Change isn’t always easy. But it’s necessary. Growth is essential to life, if something ceases to grow it dies. Spiritually I was at a point in my life where I was dead. Emotionally I was in turmoil and I needed something to heal some serious wounds. For me that healing was my faith. The only thing that would bring me back to life. It wasn’t a cure or a quick fix, it didn’t mean that life was never going to be hard again, in fact life become much harder for a while.
But your purpose is shifted and everything redirects, your goals, the end-game, the whole point becomes clear to you. You finally let go of life’s trivialities and you become free. You accept, that everything is in Gods hands and that there are lessons in both the good and the bad that befall us.
I won’t lie. It’s not easy without her. And by her I mean my mum. I think about her on the daily. I know she thinks about me too. Would you believe me if I told you I can sense her sometimes. She’s my mum at the end of the day, what kind of horrible person would I be if I said I didn’t think about her or miss her? This is just how it has to be for now, I pray it won’t be forever, I pray time with heal all the wounds of the past. I pray there will be a time where my children will grow up to know her, not only from a photograph.
At least I got 25 years, 25 years is more then some get. She may not have been there to hold my hand while I labored and birthed my children, or watch me walk down the isle, but these are just moments in our short lives that we hold so much value on . Time diminishes them and they slowly fade from our memories. The constant that remains is that she’s my mum, I love her even when it pains me or when I’ve wanted to hate her. And I only just discovered how deep her love was for me since I became a mother myself.